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LETTER FROM THE RAPTURED

May 21, 2011

Dear Left-behinders:

First let me say to those still on Earth, bummer dudes!.  But don’t give up hope, my understanding is you still have until October 2011 to get your act straight.  Seems He wants to give you a second chance before  “the whole shithouse goes up in flames.  To find out more go to secondchance.wtf or call 1-800-justkidding.

Since those of us that are here were pulled up at 6pm Saturday night we didn’t have a chance to eat dinner.  So the Big Guy had a BBQ.  Now there is good news and bad news about that.  Seems the Hindus are wrong, we had hamburgers, but the Jews were right, no pork, so there were only turkey dogs.  Guess that means no bacon in the morning for breakfast with my eggs.

Once we arrived St. Peter did a roll call.  Now the good thing is there are only 144,ooo of us, seems the Jehovah Witnesses got that right, although there doesn’t seem to be any of them here.  At first I thought holy cow, this is going to take forever, but then I remembered a minute up here is like a 1000 years down there so it only took 144 minutes to do the roll call.  (Seems the 1000 year thing works for everything else too)

What I find interesting is who isn’t here.  There are very few Catholic priests, no surprise there I guess.  It was interesting that the day of the rapture the Pope called to talk to the astronauts, guess he didn’t get the memo.  The conversation went something like this,

“Ground control to Major Tom, ground control to Major Tom, we have the Pope on the line.”

“Major Tom to ground control, hang on a sec, there are clusters of people flying by us, tell my wife I love her very much.”

“Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there is something wrong, can you hear me Major Tom?”

“Major Tom this is the Pope, holy shit.”

Harold Camping isn’t here.  Now that was a surprise because he had predicted this.  I asked St. Paul about it and he said, “we had to leave him behind, we couldn’t have some guy walking around contradicting Jesus when He said no one can predict the second coming “.    There are no politicians, seems they all sold their souls long time ago.  Ironically, or  maybe it is poetic justice, Fred Phelps the pastor of Westboro Baptist Church isn’t here.  You remember he is the guy that boycotts funerals of our soldiers.  Seems the last straw was his boycott of Elizabeth Taylor’s funeral.  Turns out the Big Guy is a huge fan, big mistake Fred.  Oh, and I am sorry for those of you still on Earth, there are no televangelists here.  That means hell is going to be worse than you thought.

After roll call the best surprise was the entertainment to welcome us here.  Turns out the Righteous Brothers were prophetic, heaven has one hell of a band.  There are too many to name but they are all here, Ray, Jimmy, Janis, Jim, Elvis, Otis, Roy, and on and on.  The concert was about three hours long (guess it was over in the year 182,000 on Earth if it was still there).  It ended with Elvis doing the American Trilogy with the rest of the stars as backup.  Brought the whole place to their feet and the standing ovation lasted at least thirty minutes (do the math).

Anyway, that is about all for now.  Wish I could say hope to see you soon, but that isn’t looking too good.

Yours truly

The Raptured

p.s.

There are a lot of animals here, just in case you were wondering!!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. May 22, 2011 12:39 pm

    Lot’s of diverse references worked in. Very cute.

    The formula was simplistic. The notion (nailing the day) was presumptuous. The baggage (trinity and hellfire) was typical. And he sure did flummox a lot of followers. But he is ‘keeping on the watch.’ No one can say he’s not doing that. As so many before him have done.

  2. May 23, 2011 5:31 pm

    This is tooooooooooo funny…..Dr. Grant, we have got to figure a way to get this viral!!!

  3. May 23, 2011 9:28 pm

    Oh geeze! I just pulled up the news and saw that Camping has changed the date to October 21…definitely…for sure…no matter what…absolutely…without question…no doubt…surely…unambiguously…exactly…specifically…explicitly…crystal-clear. Just when I was getting to like the taste of Wheaties again 😦

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